Connie and Ethel compete in a beauty pageant. Meanwhile, Dr. Kuzniak cures Denzel of his gerontophilia and he finally starts sleeping with women his age.
Plot[]
In the main plot, Woody gets relentlessly pursued by Manslaughter McGill for losing a gambling bet for $20,000. Woody bets himself to redeem his gambling bet for Ethel winning the beauty pageant. Connie enters the beauty pageant in order to beat Ethel in order to prove that beauty pageants are evil and ruin people's lives, but because she's very unattractive and ugly, Malloy aims to help her out because he wants the prize of the pageant: a trip to anywhere in the world. Malloy wants the trip so that he can kill a fat Chinese boy, Chang, as revenge for humiliating him on a multi-player video game.
In the subplot, Denzel and Steve realize they are dating the same woman (Tammy Jane). Tammy then offers a threesome for the two of them, and Denzel teaches Steve how to do a proper threesome.
Quotes[]
Dr. Kuzniak: Denzel, your unnatural attraction to elderly women is a condition known as gerontophilia and it is often fatal.
Denzel: I'd kill for pussy but I ain't gunna die for it.
Ethel: No. I'm entering the Miss National Park beauty pageant.
Woody: I couldn't give two squirts of piss.
[Late at night, Woody gets violently pinned against the wall of a dark alley by a brutal ruffian known as Manslaughter McGill]
Manslaughter: I GOT YOU NOW, JOHNSON!
Woody: God dammit! I thought the one place I'd be safe is a dark dead-end, alley!
Manslaughter: SHUT THE HELL UP! Now, give me the 20 grand you owe me!
Woody: I have got to stop betting on Quidditch! I thought Hufflepuff was due!
Manslaughter: You'd better pay up now or I'm gunna take a glass rod, HEAT UP UP WITH A BLOW TORCH, AND STICK IT UP YOUR-
[Manslaughter gets a phone call from his wife]
Manslaughter: Uh, heh heh. Just a second.
[Manslaughter answers it]
Manslaughter: [nice and happy] Hello, deary! How's my lovely wife doing today? Oh, you need me to do the laundry? Oh, certainly, my love. I'll be right there in two shakes of a lamby's tail! Well, ta-ta for now! Hugs and kisses, sweety pie! Okay, bye-bye.
[Manslaughter hangs up and goes back to attacking Woody]
Woody: Heh, heh. Your wife makes you do the laundry?
[Manslaighter slams Woody against the wall]
Manslaughter: SHUT THE HELL UP, YOU PATHETIC BITCH! Now listen. You'd better cough up the $20,000 you owe me OR I'M TAKING A LONG THICK GLASS ROD, TWICE YOUR SIZE, HEATING IT UP TO 20,000 DEGREES, ONE FOR EVERY BUCK YOU OWE ME, AND I AM SHOVING IT STRAIGHT UP YOUR-
[Manslaughter gets another phone call]
Manslaughter: [nice and sweet] Hi, baby! Oh, Scooters went pee-pee on the rug? Well, I'll come home and clean it up, straight away! I love you more than rainbows! Bye bye.
[Manslaughter hangs up and goes back to attacking Woody]
Manslaughter: SO ANYWAY, GLASS ROD, BLOW TORCH, AND IT'S GOING STRAIGHT UP YOUR-
[Manslaughter gets another phone call and while he answers, he strangles Woody in a choke hold]
Manslaughter: [nice and cheery] Hi, bubblegum fairy! Ooh, you want me to pick up Hazelnut truffles from The Cheesecake Factory? Well, sure thing fluffy kitten. [meows]
[Manslaughter hangs up once again and goes back to attacking Woody]
Manslaughter: NOW, WHERE WAS I!?
Woody: [choking] Glass rod? 20,000 Degrees?
Manslaugter: Right. Thank you. ALRIGHT! I'M JUST GUNNA CUT TO THE CHASE! GLASS ROD! 20,000 DEGREES! I'M GUNNA CRAM IT UP UP YOUR-
Woody: [choking] Wait! Hold on! Give me another chance! A bet! Double or nothing!
Manslaughter: On what!?
Woody: [choking] Uh, hold on. Let me think.
[Woody thinks about Ethel's quote from earlier]
Ethel: I'm winning the Miss National Park beauty pageant. It's the surest bet ever.
Woody: [choking] On Ethel Anderson winning the Miss National Park beauty pageant!
[Manslaughter lets Woody go]
Manslaughter: Okay, you're on. [pins him to the wall once more] AND WHEN YOU LOSE, I'M GUNNA TAKE THAT AFOREMENTIONED MOLTEN HOT GLASS ROD AND THRUST IT 500 MILES UP YOUR-
[Manslaughter gets another phone call and answers it]
Manslaughter: [nice and lovely] Hi, little lamb. Eh-Leave Woody Johnson alone? Why?
[The camera shows that Woody is actually calling him on his phone]
Woody: [in a girly voice] Because he's a nice man.
[Manslaughter sees that it's him]
Woody: Well, what'd she say?
[Malloy gets mad at his video game and throws a controller into a picture, shattering it]
Malloy: Woody! The cleaning lady broke another picture!
[Woody rushes in and scolds his cleaning lady, Inez]
Woody: So, I guess you didn't do that either, did ya Inez!? Just like you didn't break that window, maul me in my sleep, or order all this hardcore bear porn!?
Woody: Well, hello there, prettiest ranger ever. Which dress do you like best?
Ethel: Oh, see. I thought you stopped cross-dressing.
Woody: I'm gunna help you win Miss National Park. Heh. I'm your new coach.
Ethel: So, now you care about the pageant?
Woody: Hell, yeah! My life is on the line here! I mean, heh. Your trip to Paris, which I reeeeaaaally give a shit about?
Ethel: Cut the crap. What's going on?
Woody: Alright, alright. The truth is, I borrowed some money from Manslaughter McGill and if you don't win that pageant, he's gunna stick a glass rod up my ... Well, he never told me, BUT THERE ISN'T ANY GOOD PLACE TO STICK A GLASS ROD!
Steve: I can't wait for the girls to get here. I've never been on a double date.
Denzel: Twenty bucks says my girl is hotter than yours.
Steve: You are so on.
[Tammy enters]
Tammy: Hey, boys.
[Steve and Denzel both get up]
Steve/Denzel: [to Tammy] Hey, there. [to each other] Where's your girl? Right here. No. This is my girl.
Steve: Denzel, this is TJ.
Denzel: No this isn't. This is Tammy.
Tammy: It's Tammy Jane. I go by either. Surprise!
Denzel: What!? You know what this means, right?
Steve: Yeah, ... She's a clone! Kill her!
Denzel: No. She's going out with both of us. This ain't gon' fly! You gotta choose. Which one of us do you want?
Steve: Okay, I'm choosing Denzel.
Tammy: What do you think about a minajatwa?
Steve: Minajatwa? What does Denzel's cousin have to do with this?
Denzel: Oh, don't be a dumbass, Steve! [to Tammy] That's some kind of a chicken dish, right?
Tammy: Guys, what I'm proposing is a threesome.
Steve/Denzel: Oooooohhhh.
Steve: What's that?
Connie: I'm telling you, Ethel. Pageants are evil.
Ethel: Hmm, sounds like you're just jealous because you can never win one again.
Connie: I can still win if I wanted to!
Ethel: Win what? A pie eating contest? A dog show? Most bacne? Biggest shadow? World's sweatiest gunt?
Connie: I'll show you! I'm gunna enter the Miss National Park pageant and BEAT YOUR SKINNY LITTLE ASS!
[Woody enters]
Woody: What's going on? Connie! Don't speak to the talent!
Ethel: Actually, Connie has decided to enter the pageant.
Woody: Good idea, Connie. Ethel will look even prettier standing next to a red-headed refrigerator.
Connie: No, I can win.
Woody: [reads a card] Win what? A pie-eating contest? HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Ethel: I already did that one.
Woody: Oh. [looks through his cards] How 'bout, sweatiest gunt?
Ethel: Yep.
Woody: GOD DAMN MALLOY! HE'S SELLING THESE INSULTS TO EVERYBODY!
Ethel: You don't have a chance. You're going down!
Connie: Yeah, on Miss Grand Teton after I win!
Malloy: Don't her let get in your head. You're a star.
Woody: Yeah, cuz people go blind when they stare at her! Heh. That sucks. [throws out a card] Malloy, save these crappy jokes for Aziz Ansari.
Steve: Your vagina looks extra moist.
Malloy: I'm making some changes. This beauty pageant's about the get ugly.
Woody: Oh yeah? Who died and made you producer?
Malloy: The producer.
[The camera shows the producer hanging from a rope]
Malloy: Cleaning lady did it.
Woody: Eh, I guess she's still pissed at me cuz I made her clean the toilet, while I was still on it.
Tammy: It turns me on to dominate stupid men!
Steve: I'm not a stupid men!
Manslaughter: I might as well take the glass rod and shove it up your fingle-fangle right now!
Woody: My what?
Manslaughter: Oh shit! Missed a call from the wife! She's gunna be pissed! I gotta run!
Woody: Wait! WHAT'S A FINGLE-FANGLE!?
Malloy: LET THE HUNGER GAMES BEGIN!
Dr. Kuzniak: I got your text, Tammy. Everything okay?
Tammy: Shut up and get in there! [gives Dr. Kuzniak a gag and orders him to enter an S&M foursome with Steve, Denzel, and Manslaughter]
Dr. Kuzniak: Okay? You know this isn't even the weirdest thing I've done today?
Malloy: I'm going to China. Don't have your funeral until I get back. I wanna miss it intentionally.
[Malloy meets face to face with Chang]
Malloy: I am here to destroy you in person.
[Chang comes out and he's in a wheelchair]
Malloy: Oh my God. I had no idea ... I was gunna be this easy!
[Malloy throws Chang out a window and kills him]
Trivia[]
Woody pronounces his house maid's name, Inez, wrong as "Eye-nezz" instead of "Ee-nezz".
Pop Culture References[]
Brickle Royale!
Malloy references The Hunger Games as the inspiration for his idea to force the beauty pageant contestants to fight each other to the death until only one remains. TheHunger Games itself is an Americanized remake of the Japanese film Battle Royale, where Japanese children were forced to kill each other by the totalitarian Japanese government to the death until only 1 remains.
Denzel: "I bring Tammy, you bring Kate "Made"-Upton"
Woody claims he bet $20,000 on Quidditch and he lost since he bet on Hufflepuff.
