Woody's Girl

''Woody's Girl''
Season 2, Episode 3
Production Code: 2RAG05
Written by Roger Black & Waco O'Guin
Directed by Ira Sherak
First Aired: September 17, 2013
List of Episodes
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Woody's Girl is Season 2's 3rd episode of Brickleberry.

Synopsis

Woody goes to yoga classes to get his anger issues under control and falls in love with the hippie instructor. Meanwhile, Denzel buys a jetpack.

Plot

Woody takes up yoga after suffering a stroke, and falls for his instructor Astral, who is part of a cult. However, Malloy doesn't take a liking to Astral.

Meanwhile, Ethel is put in charge of the park feeling she can handle it, but because she realizes that there are so many chaotic disasters happening that she has no power over, she starts stress eating and gets as fat and easily irritable as Woody.

In a subplot that gets much less screen time, Denzel plays around with a jetpack that he bought from money he inherited from a very elderly white woman who just passed away.

Quotes

Denzel: WHOOO! JETPACK, MOTHERFUCKER!

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Woody: Aw, God dammit Ethel! You shredded a picture of my dead mother!?

Ethel: Clutter.

Woody: I was supposed to shred that!

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Woody: You look like a turd in a tie.

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Connie: Woody, I had a little accident.

Woody: CUNAMAN! YOU WRECKED YOUR PATROL CAR AGAIN!? WHAT IS THAT, THE FOURTH TIME THIS MONTH!?

Connie: It's not my fault! You know, I have that blind spot.

Malloy: That's your neck.

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Ethel: Jeez, you're being a real dick today.

Woody: YOU WANNA SEE A REAL DICK!?

[Ethel blows her rape whistle]

Woody: WILL YOU STOP BLOWING THAT FUCKING RAPE WHISTLE!?!?!?!?

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Woody: Shut up! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!!! ENOUGH! YOU'RE ALL NO-GOOD, WORTHLESS, SHIT-FOR-BRAINS, LAZY, Hey, speaking of lazy, WHERE THE HELL IS DENZEL!!!???

Woody: WHAT IS THAT GODDAMNED THING!?!?!?!?

Denzel: What!? I can't hear you over this badass jetpack!

Woody: GET IT OUT OF HERE!!!

Denzel: Oh! Okay!

Woody: MY ROOF! MY GODDAMNED ROOF!!! WHO'S GUNNA PAY FOR ALL THIS SHIT!!!!!!!!? I SWEAR TO GOD!!!!!!!!! YOU GUYS WILL BE THE DEATH-

[Woody has a mini-stroke]

Malloy: Aaand, Woody had a stroke.

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Dr. Kuzniak: Woody, you had a mini-stroke. A mini-stroke is like a regular stroke but fun-sized.

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[Dr. Kuzniak draws blood from Woody and gets geysered in blood]

Dr. Kuzniak: You know, this brings back memories of that Bukakke film I did to pay for medical school.

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Woody: DO YOU THINK I'M SOME KIND OF NEW-AGE FAIRY!? WHO'S GUNNA SIT AROUND IN INDIAN GARB AND CHANT "OOOMMMM" "OOOOOMMM"!!! I WOULD RATHER-

[Woody has a mini-stroke]

Dr. Kuzniak: Oh, darn. Another mini-stroke. Woody, I'm sure you won't mind if I get a few upskirt shots for my private collection. Say cheese! [takes a picture of Woody's genitals]

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Woody: [meditating] Ommmmm... my god this is gay...

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Woody: [to Astral] Hey, buddy, I would like to position myself in her lotus. You know what I mean?

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Denzel: Up yours, cracker!

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[A lady walks into the yoga class and sees all the people Woody murdered]

Lady: Oh my God! What happened here?

Woody: It was a black guy. I think he had a jetpack.

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Woody: It is a beautiful morning. Isn't it, rangers?

Steve: You're not gunna yell at us?

Woody: No, my child. My anger has flown.

Denzel: It's true. I've been trying to piss him off all morning.

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Astral: Hello sweet spirits. My name is Astral.

Malloy: Of course it is.

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Woody: I have an announcement. I am taking a voluntary leave of absence and I am passing on my executive duties to Ethel.

Steve: Ethel!? Woody, I am more than capable of-

[Steve's pants fall down]

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Malloy: [Malloy shits in a hippie bowl] Ah, this is the most relaxing poop I have ever taken.

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Astral: Malloy, I'm hoping that we can be friends.

Malloy: Fuck off, weirdo.

Woody: MALLOY!!!

Malloy: Sorry, please fuck off, weirdo.

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Astral: I really like you, Malloy, and as a gesture of our new friendship, I painted this for you.

[Astral shows Malloy a stupid painting she made]

Malloy: That looks like someone took a shit on a canvas.

Woody: Bingo, Malloy!

---

Woody: [Woody comes back from some steamy hot sex with Astral] Whoooo! [pant] Isn't [pant] she [pant] great? Guess what? She's a squirter. It's like going down on a fir hydrant in Harlem. She can break up a riot with that thing.

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Malloy: You'll be history soon too, Asshole. That is how you pronounce your name, right? Asshole?

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Astral: Well, I'm not like the others. You won't get rid of me so easily.

Malloy: And why is that?

[Astral grabs Malloy by the shirt collar]

Astral: [uneasy] Destiny brought Woody and I together. Nobody's gunna get in the ay of our love, and if you try, I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU!!!!!!!

[Astral punch Malloy across the room]

Astral: [calm] Well, I'm glad we had this talk.

---

Malloy: Connie, I need your help. Woody's girlfriend is bat-shit crazy.

Connie: She seems nice to me. Maybe you're just jealous.

Malloy: Yeah, and maybe you're just ... [sighs] I don't even have the energy to insult. Just step on a scale.

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Bobby: [offscreen] Hey look! It's a flying black guy!

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Connie: I don't wanna say "I told you so".

Denzel: Great. Then don't say it, cuz this jetpack is still awesome.

[Denzel burns down the cabin by mistake]

Denzel: Oh, shit!

Connoe: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!

[The fire department comes and puts out the fire]

Denzel: Still awesome.

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Connie: Maybe you can't handle this, Ethel.

Ethel: MAYBE I CAN'T HANDLE THIS!? RUNNING THIS PARK IS A PIECE OF CAKE! [gasp] OH NO! I BROUGHT UP CAKE IN FRONT OF THE BABY ELEPHANT! RUUUUUUN!

Connie: [runs away, crying] UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHH!!!

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Ethel: [imitating Woody] STEVE, YOU STUPID SON OF A BITCH!!!

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Malloy: You know what, Woody? I'm done with you! It's over! I hope you do kill yourself, you ignorant, gullible, assh-

[Malloy has a mini-stroke]

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Ethel: You look like a bucket of hog shit!

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Ethel: Connie! Tuck in that cameltoe before a plane tries to land on it!

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Ethel: Denzel! What the Hell's the matter with you!? [in a blaccent] You drank in the forties and stealin' on white women!?

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Steve: [in reference to Denzel] You're not his master, Connie!

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Ethel: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! GOD DAMMIT!!!

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Ethel: Malloy!

Malloy: Yes, Connie?

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Woody: So, Malloy was right? We're killing ourselves? I'm not sure about this.

Astral: Nonsense. It is nearly a leap of faith. A biovian mothership will arrive and take us to our cosmic paradise. We will be together forever, living in bliss, with anything you could ever desire.

Woody: Jumbo shrimp?

Astral: All you can eat.

Woody: Fuck it. Let's jump!

---

[Denzel sees that Malloy bought his jetpack]

Denzel: Oh, so he's MalloyTheTalkingBear12 on Ebay.

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Woody: I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU MALLOOOOOY!!!!!!!!! AS LOOOOOONG AS IIIIIII-

[Woody has a mini-stroke]

Trivia

• Denzel wasn't seen with his fellow rangers and Malloy in the usual intro. Instead, he was seen at the end of the opening flying with his jetpack.
• This is the first episode that Dr. Kunziak is seen mad, we was mad when we said "Woah, let's not make light here, Woody. This is serious."
• It turns out Connie is afraid of raw fish.
• Even though Ethel was proven to be a much better park ranger than Steve in the pilot episode, Woody complains he can't tell which one out of the four (Ethel, Steve, Denzel, Connie) is the worst or best, declaring they're all shit-for-brains no good lazy disgraces to their uniforms.

Pop Culture References

• Astral's religious cult of jumping off a cliff to get onboard a spaceship to take them away to destiny is a throwback to the suicidal religious UFO cult Heaven's Gate. Astral mimics Marshall Applewhite, the founder of Heaven's Gate who spread videos encouraging people to join him in mass suicide in order to board a spaceship to reach heaven.
• The chanting of "oh qwan tanzan won" by Astral's religious group which Woody joined in and the term "Tarzisian" are references to Riley Martin.

Videos

Brickleberry Inner Peace

Brickleberry Head Ranger Ethel